Monday, November 27, 2006

One step at a time.

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone that has left comments and has given me their support. You don't know how much it means to me. It's really helped in this crappy hole of a time. Thank you, so much.

Second, I am much much better. Compared to how I was before, I am fantastic. Of course, I'm still on the road to recovery, but all of a sudden it seems like an open road. I hope I didn't just jinx myself. '.' The anorexia is in check: I am finally eating again. Solid foods! Holy poo on toast people...I went down a whole clothes size (four or more pounds in as many days), but now I'm actually able to eat. Which is good.

(And before anyone freaks out, anorexia is common in severe depression: I just couldn't eat anything, no matter how hard I tried.)

Let's just hope that the good days keep coming. Thank you all for your support and your thoughts and prayers. Keep them coming! :) Meanwhile, I'll keep chugging on, one step at a time.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Just say yes.

Last night I felt so much better, I figured, HEY. I can sleep without Ambien!

Wrong. W-R-O-N-G.

I tossed and turned for hours, having hysterical and nonsensical thoughts. I had weird dreams. All in all, I think I only got two to three hours of sleep because I woke up at 7, on the clock, once again.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist this morning and after that I'm going to try to see Damian, my boyfriend. What's hit me the hardest during this depression is the pushing people away, in particular, my boyfriend. I cannot understand it, and I've been reading up and apparently this is normal. But I still don't understand.

I love him and I want to be with him, but in this void that I am in, I can feel nothing but panic and negative thoughts.

My psychologist/family friend is being quite helpful though, mainly because he is a family friend and I know he wants me to get better (like all y'all who read this blog and have left comments).

I think what I have to say is: Yes, I have depression. And I'm doing my best to deal with it. And I'm going to kick it in the butt. And I will learn to love again.


Anyway. I don't know if I've said it, but I've quit my job. I have weekends again. I no longer wake up with the feeling of dread of "ugh shit. job." For now, I have an "indefinite leave." We'll see. But I am broke once again, depending on my parents. Part of me feels bad, and the other part is like: well, I'm 23. I'm still living with my parents. And I'm in a rough patch. Soooo. Stop it.

I told my friend that she can't come over for Christmas because of what's happening and I am glad that she was so okay about it. She just wants me to get better. Hopefully, I will. There are moments when I am fine and I can see the light in the tunnel with clarity, and then I plummet down back into the hole. I have to fight this, otherwise it won't stop. And it has to stop. For the sake of my sanity.

I know I said that I wouldn't blog, but the word vomit kind of helps. I have to learn to be selfish, as everybody says. To stop wallowing in misery and pull myself together.

Here goes nothing.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Day 3 of meds.

I was better on Wednesday night and Thursday morning, but in the afternoon it all took a turn for the worse. The panic, the horrible thoughts. I keep thinking that I won't be able to get out of this and that I'll never be able to love again.

Everybody keeps saying, think poz! But it's hard. It feels like dying.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

What is depression?

I know that I'd said that I wouldn't blog, but I guess I need the release. I also guess I need to let everyone know what I'm going through. Or at least, to get it all out and try to get my shit together again.

I am now on anti-depressants. The doctor said they might take from one to two weeks to work. For me, that's one to two weeks too long, but I just have to hang in there before I just crawl in to bed with a bottle of Ambien.

(Well, kidding, the Ambien, which is a sleeping pill, isn't working.)

So what is depression. Depression is feeling like you're going to die, that you're dying, that this pain in your chest will never go away ever again. It feels like you are a shell of emptiness in which you can't feel anything and all you can do is be numb. It feels like you don't love the people you would give your life for. It feels like hell and I don't wish it on anybody, not even on my worse enemy. It feels horrifyingly alone, it is debilitating.

There have been days when the angst has been so horrible that I've had to bawl all day to try to understand what's going on. There are days when I'm a little more functional, like now. Yesterday, I saw my boyfriend, the poor soul that has to put up with this the most and I made him promise me that everything will be okay. The man deserves a medal and free internet for life. But it's so hard to remain positive. It's so hard not to be overwhelmed by the negativity. It's so difficult to believe that I will be able to start over again and that I will be a better and stronger person for it. I'm scared.

Right now, I feel a little better. Last night I felt a whole lot better, but this comes and goes. It takes a lot of effort, an effort that is exhausting and painful, and I have to remind myself all the time that this too shall pass. I've actually been able to eat after about three days of not eating or eating very little. I was able to have a very small breakfast and dinner on tuesday and last night and this morning I was actually able to eat cereal. People, compared to how I was, this is vastly improved. Even if I have to force myself to interact, I do it, because I know I will get better, even if I have to start from scratch.

I have to promise myself that I can start again. But more importantly, I have to believe it. I have to say it over and over again until it dulls the pain and the ideas that come along with depression. I just want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to be the way I was, but I wonder if I can achieve that.

And I am so glad that Tom Cruise doesn't run the meds in the world. Otherwise, I'd be fucked.

So that's it. For now. I might do some more word vomit here every once in a while. I have to be selfish, I have to take care of myself, so I'm quitting my job. This is the first time I will be unemployed in five years. This is the first time I'll have a weekend in five years! Wow...

Oh well. Thank God for meds. Now let's hope that the meds actually do work.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006



I will probably be away for a while. A series of things have happened that have led to a breakdown from which I am desperately trying to recover. I am doing the best I can: I am getting therapy, taking anti-anxiety pills (soon anti-depressants), and having tests done.

I know that a lot of people don't care or truly believe in God, but, please, pray for me and for my well-being. Pray that everything works alright. Pray that I can be a shiny person in this God-forsaken world.

When will I come back? Who knows. If anyone feels compelled to write, do so. I will probably write back. I just won't blog. :/

Thanks everyone. I know you will understand.

Friday, November 17, 2006

A little on the sick side.

I woke up this morning and felt a little under the weather. I've been fighting a cold for about a week now, and I was doing pretty well! However, I think since the semester is winding down and I'm giving myself more space to wind down, the cold creeped up on me and seized me in it's balmy paws. Yuch. I was going to work out, but I'm just way too tired.

And I hate that stupid sales tax. Ugh. Stupid governor. May he never cross my path.

Anyway. I made a necklace last night. Since the original version cost 153 dollars (money that I can't really dispose of right now), I decided to buy some stones and just do it myself :P It turned out quite well, I think...

It's made out of fabric scraps, brass wire, and the stones are garnet and gray quartz :) Not too shabby, if I say so myself!

Well, I have to go...have to clean up my room and bake my dad a cake. It's his birthday today! :P

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Well, that was fun.

I tried making monster-shaped cookies for tonight's presentation, and that went fantastically wrong. Never trust a recipe that hasn't been recommended by someone. I am currently covered in flour, surrounded by poor-tasting cookies, and looking at the mess I have to clean up. I now admire and respect people who make perfectly shaped cookies that taste good too. Oh Martha. Have you sold your soul to the Devil?

Oh well. I'll just make brownies. Every man, woman, and child loves a brownie, right? :D

In other news, I'm soooo anxious. My monster presentation is today (in which I talk about human monsters: serial killers, rapists, necrophiles. Wonderful, no?) and I guess I'm nervous about that because I've never taken classes with this professor before and I don't want to fuck it up. But I think the real reasons why I'm about to puke all over the kitchen is that I have a meeting today with my (still? old?) boss from the magazine. I don't think it's a secret that I am hurt by her secrecy and cloak-and-dagger methods. But I guess what really crowned everything was the fact that everybody else got an important email and I got nothing. I just got a one-line e-mail.

I'm doing my best to keep my head up: I tell myself, why would I want to be involved in an environment like that? But the magazine is important to me, not because of the paycheck or the shiny job title, but because it represented the students. This sucks. At least I know that, if I'm let go, the reason is that "there is no money." It's not personal, it's "business."

I know that everybody is probably sick and tired of hearing me complain. But I have to express myself. >.>

Anyway. I still haven't heard from my possible future job and that has me antsy as well. I really want this job, it will take my mind off of the other job fiasco and it would help me later if I want to go into magazines/publishing. *crosses fingers*

Also, I'm planning on submitting to yet another conference. I consulted my advisor about it, we'll see how it goes. I'm not happy that it starts on the same day as my boyfriend's birthday, but, who knows if I'll even apply or get accepted! Whatever will happen, it will occur for a reason.

And now I have to go. I am totally covered in flour. Ugh!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

My darlings!

Last night I went to the movies for the first time since summer. I think. Damian and I went to see The Prestige, and, let me tell you, everybody should go see it. It's fantastic. If you've read the novel, the ending is quite different, but I think the movie is worth it. And, no, I'm not saying this because Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, and David Bowie are in THE SAME FILM. That is totally not the reason. At all!

I think my favorite part of the movie (aside from the field of light) is when David Bowie appears onscreen. I'm fairly sure I made loud squeaky noises. Why? Because David Bowie owns.

Everyone, go see The Prestige! Now!

In other news, it seems everyone has their wishlists up on their blogs. Hmm. I haven't put up mine. Hmm. Oh well, I'll do it soon enough. Besides, most of what I'd like is books. ^_^

Anyway. D finally installed Quake on my Mac and, believe me, it's been a lifesaver. I played it all day at work today and I was stress free. :) Yay! I crashed it several times though...sweet Jesus Christ, someone, hire me to crash your computers and your games. It comes to me naturally.

I also wore my darling Yves Saint Laurent shoes to much attention. They got lots of comments and my feet got some cramps, but it was worth it. :)

I'm fairly sure I had something else to say, but I totally forgot. How odd, no? :P

Friday, November 10, 2006

All I want in life is a shirt dress.

Well, I want other things too. Marriage, kids, a job I enjoy and pays very well. But, I really want a shirt dress.

Ever since I saw one on Sofia Coppola, it was love and jealousy. I wanted one of those dresses. Yet I couldn't find them. Cannot, to this day. They elude me, like the answer to the meaning of life and the winning lottery ticket.

Twice I've come close, and twice I have failed. Once, I didn't buy it because I was too skinny and the dress was too big (I should've bought it, it's not like my underweightness would last forever) and then, not so long ago, it was too short and tight. Woe, when will I find thee, oh perfect shirt dress.

My only hope is finding one a) online b) next time I go to New York c) in Europe. But, I want a shirt dress, damn it.

In other shopping news, Aldo is officially on my Shit List. Yes, with upper case letters, people. I went again to try to get The Boots (you know, slip on, yummy, odorous, supple leather high heeled boots) and, once again, they don't have them in a size ten. The attendants kind of freaked because they know I've gone to the store several times and they have not been able to step up to the plate. I'm really disappointed. Tsk tsk.

I guess I'll either have to wait for them to actually bring a pair of shoes in size ten or wait till I travel to try to find a pair. Sigh.

I still remember the Shoe Massacre in Spain. No shoe fit me. Sigh. The problem with my feet (and legs) is that, well, I have size 10-11 feet. Hard to find size. The other problem is that the leg part of boots is always huge on me since, compared to my shoe size, my legs are very thin. *shakes fist* Someday, I will find the perfect boot.

Wow, this has been a very fashion-heavy post.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Oh. Shit.

Since I had to take care of grampa today, I completely forgot the Graduate Committee meeting.

Oh shit.

I think I go retreat to my coccoon now.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Blogging replaces studying.

Dear God, how many times have I seen Terminator and Terminator 2? Turns out they've been playing them over and over again because it's election time and The Governator might be in the running. Heh. Oh well, the one I really want to see again is Rise of the Machines, but they're not playing it anywhere. Hmm. Am I actually going to have to rent it?

I have to rent Blade Runner and A.I. for my last two portfolios. I've seen Blade Runner, but I can't recall much detail. And A.I. I just don't want to see. The movie was so depressing.

Anyway, I've tried reading for Theory & Criticism and once again, my brain implodes. I don't know if it's because I've been up and down lately or if it's because of the class. I think it might be the class, since I'm ok reading for my Special Topics class, but I do have difficulty concentrating. Hmm.

One of my professors/thesis committee members has been trying to get me a job (since I am underemployed, people) ever since I mentioned to her the problems with Pastiche. She told me about a position at the beginning of the semester, but I didn't accept it because I still had hope that Pastiche would rise again. But now, it's pretty dead and I need another job. Cambridge isn't free and I'm not sure the university will give us a lot of money. So the professor approached me again with another position! Hopefully, I will get this one. Keep your fingers crossed, everyone.

Remind me again why Medieval Literary Theory is necessary? *sighs*

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Secret agenda.

So I've been playing catch up with all my academic issues this weekend. So far, I revised my now nine page SLA essay due tomorrow, worked on seven portfolios, and read up on the info missing for the portfolios. I haven't touched any of the reading for Theory and Criticism, I guess I'll do that on Tuesday. >.>

I'm feeling better, but I'm not going to lie, there are moments of paranoia and anxiety. Right now, I'm amping myself up to kick this semester in the ass. Only four weeks left, might as well go all the way.

The chair of my thesis committee is really excited about my thesis subject and he's already talking to me about it. And I'm supposed to start it in August of next year. Well, at least that means I have support and I will be arsed into finishing on time!

Supposedly, labor on the Consultation Committee will be done this month. How true this is depends on whether we actually agree on a candidate or not. We'll see. I finally understand why some students just give up caring about their departments. After seeing all the inner conflict and infantile behavior displayed by department members, anyone would be disheartened. (And this is common knowledge, I'm not divulging anything from any meeting, before anyone tries to dooce me.)

Anyway, as for the secret agenda mentioned in the title, it's my boyfriend's. Well, it's not too secret: he plans on installing Quake on my Mac. He even got me a mouse so I could play it and found me llama and T-800 character skins so I could get into it! Ha! Nah, but I know he does it to give me something to get distracted with so I don't get anxious. But sometimes I wonder...maybe he just wants me to join the Dark Side...of Gamers, that is. :P

Mom got me a Top 10 London guide so I can brush up on things to do when I'm over there next summer (if everything goes well). I'm excited but also scared. Which reminds me, I haven't e-mailed the Cambridge people. >.> Oops. Oh well, I think near breakdowns are excusable. x.x

By the way, does anybody know if Bluefly is going to have a Thanksgiving sale? Because there is a pair of Delman shoes that is just singing a siren song at me. >.>

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Dealing with insurance.

I just got off the phone with the insurance company, they had me waiting for a good chunk of time, listening to bad elevator music. Ugh. The closest appointment they could give me was November 27. What a way to end Thanksgiving weekend.

Thanks to everyone who left a comment on the accident entry. Physically, I'm okay, it's the psychological that's damaged. I just keep waiting for things to get worse and I have this constant anxiety. I think I've aged several years in this past month, with everything that's happened. I think I've been crying on a daily basis this past month and add to that the feeling that I'm letting everybody down and just being a general disappointment. I'm not saying this for anyone to feel bad or to pity me, I'm just saying it because it's the truth. So much has happened and I've done my best to deal with it, but I'm human and I have limits. One can only do so much before they crack.

Taking it one step at a time and I'm lucky that I don't really have much class this week. Ever since the accident, I've been wanting to skip class and I haven't out of sheer duty. But today is my day off. I was going to catch up on some school stuff, but I know I'm not capable of doing anything right now. I really need a break.

The accident wasn't my fault: it's the fault of the van that was blocking the lane and the view. However, since the van driver sped off immediately after he got a ticket, I'm the one that has to deal with the insurance stuff since I hit the other car. However, it's the van's fault: it's called "negligencia sin colision" negligence without collision. Oh well. I reported him to the company, we'll see what happens.

I'm just glad the semester is almost over. Here's hoping that things can only get better.

I think I'll go to the mall for a while and look at all the pretty things in an attempt to cheer myself up.