Sunday, December 31, 2006

Goodbye 2006.

Hope that 2007 is way better. Have a good one, everyone. Stay safe and see you in 2007!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Feliz Navidad

All the crap we bought at Kmart.


My favorite picture so far this Christmas.

A very special ornament...

And one unhappy dog!

Merry Christmas everyone! And to those who don't celebrate the holiday, I hope you get to spend some quality time with the ones you love :)

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Kidnapped by Kmart

I am now the owner of the cutest penguin pajamas ever. Score!

This morning, my father waltzed into my room and asked me if I wanted to go fleamarketing with them. Not relishing the idea of spending the morning alone, I agreed, ignorant of the day that awaited me. The fleamarket turned into Kmart turned into Sam's Club turned into pizza in Aguada turned into stopping at Home Depot turned into searching for a bakery that was open turned into finally going home. Kmart sucked our souls and we went bonkers with the Christmas specials. My dad bought slightly psychedelic LED lights for the pine in front of the house. Curse you, Martha, for making such adorable Christmas accessories. Kmart is also the place where I scored the penguin pajamas (that I am wearing right now!).

When we got home, I got busy putting up the tree. I did so in less than fifteen minutes, lights included. No wonder my back hurts, since this is a nine-foot tree that we are talking about. x.x Oigh. Now the tree is up and it looks all pretty and even the Mac has Christmas spirit, since I put a photograph of lights in the background that I took. :P

Dinner was a quiet affair with my small family unit. I'm glad my grampa was able to make it: he couldn't on Thanksgiving because of his arm.

As you can see, I'm feeling quite better (and I hope I didn't jinx myself by saying that). Of course, there are still ups and downs (I had two slight panics today: one was a the fleamarket, probably caused by the combination of me being in a mood and the huge crowds). The Celexa has worked okay so far, with no side effects! It seems promising.

Well, I hope everyone has a peaceful Nochebuena with those you love. I spent it with my family, but my boyfriend was missing due to previous arrangements. :( Oh well. Good night everyone!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Proof that depressives are one inch away from insane and that their eloquence is fleeting.

I'm crying like a maniac because I argued with my boyfriend and I think no one cares about my puny existence, not my mom, not my dad, not my dog, not my Damian, not God, not you.

Stella thinks she lost it.

I medicate, therefore I am.

Yesterday, I quit using Effexor. It pretty much was killing me. The side-effects were horrible: I basically had the entire list of side-effects. Nausea, confusion, tachycardia, dry mouth, etc. It even made me suicidal, so switching was definitely the correct choice. I haven't really talked about that last bit because I'm not too thrilled about disclosing it, but I figure, I've been open about everything so far, so. There. Plus, I don't want to have to explain to any visitors why my mother freaks out if I spend more than seven minutes in the bathroom.

Sometimes I wonder if the depression is over and I'm stuck in this limbo of catatonia. Quite frankly, I don't really care about anything. People have to arse me out of the house, and usually, they're not successful (ask Damian). At least I'm eating on a regular basis now. I'm not really getting good sleep because I have confusing dreams and such.

The psychiatrist has asked me to keep a diary, jotting down all the times I have negative thoughts and such. She also switched my medication, and I will start Celexa tomorrow. I don't want to take any pills, but apparently, my case is serious enough to require psychotherapy and medication. To be honest, I might have had low-level depression since last year, coming and going, but it never got so bad as now. This major depressive episode has lasted more than a month so it's serious.

She also asked me to buy a book called Feeling Good. Oh Lord. I'm not too happy about reading self-help, but, it seems I have no other choice. As long as it helps me get out of this hole and take me to the way I was, we're fine.

We still haven't put up the tree: mom says that this Christmas is not worth celebrating. I don't know. I wake up every morning, hoping that I will be back to my old self. But I'm still this person that doesn't really feel anything. I'm a shell of my former self. A shadow.

My biggest regret is not having addressed the problem sooner. I had started seeing the signs of depression in September and I'd made an appointment with the psychologist. I never went. Now, it's all over the edge and I wonder all the time: if I'd gone then, would I be this way? I've given so many people so much suffering. Would this have been avoided? There's no way to know. The psychiatrist says that back then I wasn't ready to address the problem and that I am now. Whatever. I just wish I could turn back time and fix so many things, but I can't.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Life keeps moving.

I no longer count the days when I've been taking pills. I think this is the third week. Well, it's not a complete third week yet, but it will soon be. *checks pill cartridge* In two days.

There are days when I feel I am myself again. Days when I can look into my boyfriend's eyes and think I'm back again. And then I get jealous when he mentions other girls. And then there are days when I can feel nothing, when I can't even recall a moment when I was happy or when I was hurt or anything. It's just a void.

Every night I pray to God to make it go away. Just to please, make the pain go away. Make the numbness disappear and bring the old me back, the one that ate four times a day and was still hungry, the one who couldn't wait for people to get online, the one that anxiously looked forward to every Friday, at 7 o' clock when I would get to see my boyfriend.

My boyfriend, the man who deserves so much for what he's going through. He never asked for this yet he stays and endures and perseveres. He is by my side every step of the way and I cannot be more thankful for that. He is involved with the One-Woman Homage to the Exorcist: me.

I feel like I have lost all hope. Perhaps it's because I'm going through one of the empty days, the sad days, when I check the clock and anxiously await it to be gone. I miss my life. But in a way, I don't really miss it, because I can't feel anything at all.

In two days, it'll be 14 years since my grandmother died. I wonder if that has anything to do with my depression as well. I used to hate Christmas, after her death, and I only put the tree up for her. I don't want any presents, I just want to feel good. I want to shine again.

Someone wrote that I am very courageous for putting this out in the public. Maybe I am. Maybe I should be. But at the same time, there is nothing left to hide. This is me, broken and battered and bruised and forcing myself to live because that's the way it has to be. I have to beat this. Otherwise, where else can I go?

I wonder if I'll ever be able to blog again. Or read these entries. This is all so difficult, but I feel I have to write. And I have to tell you, all of you, who have friends, family, loved ones who suffer from depression: those people love you. They just can't feel it or express it because they are so numb. So don't give up, don't push them away. Be with them because they need you as much as you need them.

I love you.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Back again.

I've been meaning to post for a few days now, but I keep postponing and leaving it for later. I figure, what better time than now, when my boyfriend doesn't have me in his evil clutches?

I'm aware that I've been pretty disconnected from the world and for that I apologize, but a part of me needed this silence to deal with everything. As of today, I have a new job: I start, God willing, in January. That job, and my schoolwork, is all I'll be able to handle next semester. I really don't want to kill myself like I did this year. A small panic attack occurred when I called about the job: I thought, oh my God, am I doing it again? Am I setting myself up for another breakdown? But I managed to calm myself down and realize that it would only be three days a week and I wouldn't work my weekend job so...I wouldn't be abusing myself.

Another thing is that my appetite is back! I'm eating two or three times a day now, but my stomach is still tiny from those days of not eating so I don't eat a lot. But everyone's making sure I gain the pounds back by giving me lots of fast food and candy. Ha!

Also, I realized just how lucky I am to have all these people around me giving me their attention and undying support. Be it online or offline, everybody has been attentive and understanding with my condition. There are others who have to go through this alone, and I feel for them, because those dark days aren't times I wish on anybody. Being trapped in a body that is full of pain and doesn't function, well...I don't wish it even on the President of the US and everyone knows how much I hate him.

I have now been taking anti-depressants for two weeks. Fourteen days of pill-popping. I honestly don't think that the pills have made much of a difference, because I started to get better on the third day of the lower dosage (I am currently on 75 milligrams of Effexor). I believe that the change was caused by my own will, by my own choice to get better. But at least I have the pills there in case my will fails, I guess. I'm not too fond of having to take them, but I recognize the fear and desperation that my doctor had to have been in to prescribe them.

There are daily small panics and anxieties, but for the most part I am good. There is still a dull pain in my chest, but, hopefully, it will soon go away. There are days when I am back to my jolly old self again and then there are days when I'm stuck half-way, on the threshold between the dark and the light. But I've made a choice and I'm sticking with it. I chose to get better and I'm going to fight till I get out of this depression. I don't ever want to go into the dark days again.