Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Back again.

I've been meaning to post for a few days now, but I keep postponing and leaving it for later. I figure, what better time than now, when my boyfriend doesn't have me in his evil clutches?

I'm aware that I've been pretty disconnected from the world and for that I apologize, but a part of me needed this silence to deal with everything. As of today, I have a new job: I start, God willing, in January. That job, and my schoolwork, is all I'll be able to handle next semester. I really don't want to kill myself like I did this year. A small panic attack occurred when I called about the job: I thought, oh my God, am I doing it again? Am I setting myself up for another breakdown? But I managed to calm myself down and realize that it would only be three days a week and I wouldn't work my weekend job so...I wouldn't be abusing myself.

Another thing is that my appetite is back! I'm eating two or three times a day now, but my stomach is still tiny from those days of not eating so I don't eat a lot. But everyone's making sure I gain the pounds back by giving me lots of fast food and candy. Ha!

Also, I realized just how lucky I am to have all these people around me giving me their attention and undying support. Be it online or offline, everybody has been attentive and understanding with my condition. There are others who have to go through this alone, and I feel for them, because those dark days aren't times I wish on anybody. Being trapped in a body that is full of pain and doesn't function, well...I don't wish it even on the President of the US and everyone knows how much I hate him.

I have now been taking anti-depressants for two weeks. Fourteen days of pill-popping. I honestly don't think that the pills have made much of a difference, because I started to get better on the third day of the lower dosage (I am currently on 75 milligrams of Effexor). I believe that the change was caused by my own will, by my own choice to get better. But at least I have the pills there in case my will fails, I guess. I'm not too fond of having to take them, but I recognize the fear and desperation that my doctor had to have been in to prescribe them.

There are daily small panics and anxieties, but for the most part I am good. There is still a dull pain in my chest, but, hopefully, it will soon go away. There are days when I am back to my jolly old self again and then there are days when I'm stuck half-way, on the threshold between the dark and the light. But I've made a choice and I'm sticking with it. I chose to get better and I'm going to fight till I get out of this depression. I don't ever want to go into the dark days again.

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