Christmas Wishlist.

I know this is an absolutely craptacular update, but I'm putting this up because Keyla requested that we all put up wishlists at our websites. So here it is.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/28VD41AZV98L0

Be warned that there is a lot of English Lit stuff, lots of Japanese stuff, fashion, and photography.

I'm not promising anything, but I have contemplated blogging. We'll see. Until then, everyone take care.

One More Time?

So yeah, I've been out of the loop for a while, haven't I?

This will probably be my last post for a long time. Or ever. Why? I just haven't the time. Or the energy. Or the willpower. To be honest, my life has been consumed by work, personal problems, and depression.

A lot of people might think I'm just jumping on the "No Blogging" bandwagon, as some close internet friends (uhm, does that make sense?) such as Tovi and Zeynep have stopped blogging, but I've honestly felt this way for a long time. Blogging is just not fun anymore. I don't like thinking about my problems, let alone writing them out. Plus, due to the readership of this blog, I simply cannot talk about certain situations. I have become more guarded, more restrained than ever. And isn't the purpose of a blog to talk about whatever I want to talk about?

So yes. I still have depression. And I don't know for how long I will have depression. I'm no longer under therapy because, to be honest, therapy hasn't worked at all. Woopee. Yeah, everyone says it's because I'm not cooperating, but, well, the truth is that it wasn't working. At least I'm getting off the meds, which is one less worry and bill to take care of.

Right now, personally, things are really horrifyingly, disgustingly difficult. And I can't talk about it! Yay! Let's just say that I wish for better days.

Work wise...well...work, stinks. I like it sometimes, but most of the time I'm just driven witless with frustration at how irresponsible these kids can be.

As for school...well. I hate school. And I had a serious conversation with my mother about dropping it. Yes, I know. I should finish it because I'm SO CLOSE! to finish this goddamned masters degree, but you know what? I can't take it anymore. I can barely breathe. I am going to try to finish this semester, mainly because I have a job, and it's only one class and thesis, but, to be honest, I'm not going to pressure myself much anymore. This isn't worth it. It's not worth it.

I guess a lot of you will think that I'm just giving up. And, you know what? Maybe I am. But right now, I have to stop caring about what everyone thinks and for once in my life, try to figure out a way to get out of this hole. I don't know how long it will take. I will probably lose many things along the way. I've already lost friends, relationships, trust...myself. I don't know if I'll ever regain them. Or if I want that.

Thanks to everyone that's commented, e-mailed, spoken to me, and tried to help me through my depression saga. It has meant a lot, more than you'll ever know. And I hope that if you ever need my support and help, I will be able to return the favor in kind. But I hope you never have to go through something like this...

I will continue to read everybody's blogs and comment on them. And if you want to talk to me, I'm just an e-mail or instant message away. I'm sorry for any disappointment, frustration, or trauma I've caused. Maybe I'll come back some day, when I've learned to live again and I actually have hope.

Till then, best of luck to all.

Love,

Stella

No class.

Today I couldn't give my first class because I couldn't find parking anywhere. I found parking about twenty minutes too late and when I got to the classroom all that was left was a student from the other section and the attendance list ever-so-kindly made by my students.

I promptly fired off an e-mail explaining why I was MIA and also telling them what we will do next class. Missing this class is just another sign that today is a bad day. I woke up feeling anxious and crappy, cried in the car on the way over to school, and then didn't find parking. Grr.

As for what teaching in general is like, it's been okay. The most frustrating part is that the students in my second section are slacking off. This makes me very angry. I try to get them to talk and to cooperate but there's one of them that refuses to speak English (he says he's in Puerto Rico, he doesn't have to speak English). There's another that, while funny, keeps disrupting the class with his comments. And then there's one that always keeps staring and giggling at me.

The one comforting thing is that they all seem comfortable enough with me to talk to me. They approach me after class and while some of them are shy, most of them aren't afraid to raise their hand and have me check their writing. Which is cool.

I'm being so disorganized though. I have to get my rollbook in gear. I have to prepare a pre-assessment rubric (though I have one, all I have to do is tweak it). Quite honestly, most of my free time is spent sleeping and avoiding thought in general. I hate my grad class and I haven't done anything for my thesis. I just wish I could drop out of the program.

I think a lot of people wonder what the hell happened to me. I used to be so driven, so enthusiastic. Now I just don't care. I've even thought about taking down the blog, since I don't have any desires to do anything. I don't know.

Well, I'd better try to do something so...catch you all later.

Back in the low again.

So after a very good couple of days I'm back in the shits. And I really mean it. I was close to a breakdown this morning.

I know everyone says that it's my choice to get out and I've really been trying. Cualquiera diria. It just keeps mutating into an even worse hideous monster that I can't control. My obsessive thoughts become worse and worse and I just become more and more closed off.

I just wish I could reboot. Restart. Be who I was again. But, I know that that's never going to happen.

Well, that was "fun."

I got out of my first class a while ago. Massacre, pain, suffering. At least, that's what I think.

The students just kept staring at me and one of them kept laughing, which made me feel uncomfortable and I just burst out and asked him: Is there something funny?

I think I lost my cool. I thought I had it under control. Hi, I'm freaking out.

My respect for teachers has gone up. You have to have real thick skin in order to be a teacher...

Lesson Plans.

I'm sitting here trying to conjure up my lesson plans for my class. I have a very brief mental outline of how I want the class to proceed, but fleshing it out is proving to be difficult. I have to read the books so I can figure out what to teach and what not to teach.

Part of being a teaching assistant means having to attend certain workshops and seminars. I didn't go to today's seminar because I had appointments with both the psychiatrist and the psychologist. The good news is that I'll be going off of one of the pills soon. I want to be off medication as soon as possible. The bad news is that I still get my ups and downs. And I feel so indifferent towards everything now.

I haven't been very keen to blogging lately. I feel like I have nothing to say. That could also be motivated by my feeling in a linguistic limbo: not really clear between thinking in Spanish or English. I'd better get back to English fast since I'm going to be teaching in it.

Excuse me, Professor...

I've been needing a new job, that much has been clear for the past...oh, two months, thanks to my berating and whining about being penniless. But, avast, me hearties, Stella has a new job. That's right. I will be a teaching assistant at my school. Cue deep breath.

I'm fairly sure that there are some people out there mocking me, since I said I would never be a teacher. And I hope that after this stint of teaching, I won't be a teacher again. But I need the money and the experience. At least I have help and support rallied around me. My mom's a teacher, so there will be a lot of me going "Mooooooooom!" and asking for help.

The course I'll be teaching is Intermediate Writing and there will probably be lots of freshmen there. I just hope that I will come across as a firm but flexible teacher and that they won't try to push me around. I'll try to make the class as fun and painless as possible, but I'm not going to kill myself. I've got more important things to do, like getting well.

As for my depression, I've been feeling fairly okay. I'm diagnosed with a light depression, a dysthimia if you will. I still have my ups and downs, and, as I write this, I'm afraid that I jinx myself and cause a down just by mentioning it.

So here's to surviving this next year! At least I'll be able to wear all those work/professional clothes I've been hoarding in my closet for such a long time...

Things I would wear to work.

If I had a real, nice paying job as an editor or fashion journalist, this is what I would wear all the time. Dresses! Diane Von Furstenberg dresses, at that. They're classy and practical...you can just throw one on and look great in minutes. Here are a few examples of her craft, brought to you by Net-a-porter.



All dresses are around 350 dollars. Not bad for designer...or at least, that's what I think!

More Forever 21 goodness.

Wouldn't this puppy look great with leggings and those Steve Madden mary janes? :D

Forever 21, 13.80

Here.

I have to stop making these request posts...seriously, it's not like anything fits in my closet anymore!

Steve Madden drama.

I decided to peruse Steve Madden and I found these. I figured they are a better deal than the ones from Target since they are real leather. But the problem is that it keeps telling me that I haven't provided the exact billing address that my banks requests. Which is retarded.

I guess I'm going to have to ask someone else to buy these for me. Dangit. But, aren't they cute? And they're leather!

So yeah, Vivi, this means I don't want the Target ones, I'm going to concentrate in trying to get these. Thanks though! I guess I'm going to have to harass Nydia or something...

Here is the link.

The end of Harry Potter. (Warning, spoilers.)

So I finished the last Harry Potter book today. Boy, was it a ride. I can't believe they killed Hedwig and Lupin and Tonks and Fred. Why did they have to go and kill one of the Weasley twins....man. Not cool.

I am glad that Ron and Hermione finally get it together. In the most hilarious of ways, if I may add.

I feel bad for Snape, but in a way, I'm glad. I've always liked Snape, for some reason. Finally, he gets some vindication.

Oh. And I'm glad that Harry doesn't die. Really.

Well, those are my reactions to the book. I think the epilogue was a tad corny, but, oh well.

If I were crazy...

...I'd stay up all night so I could finish Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. After all, I'm already on page 455. They're all a bunch of 'tards, I tell you.

Yet another shopping request post.

Yes, another shopping request. These babies are from Target, their Xhilaration line, and are only 19.99. Vivi or Nydia, would it be possible for any of you to get these for me in a size 10? I'd order them from Target, but Target doesn't ship here and Amazon doesn't have the shoes either...

I like these shoes because lately I have a thing for Mary Janes and since I can't afford the Manolo Blahnik Mary Janes (well, I can afford them, it's just not a wise financial decision for me...), I resort to these. They're pretty cute!

So Vivi, Nydia, please tell me if either of you could pick these up for me! Thanks....

And if any of you are interested in viewing the webpage, here it is!

Attention Shoppers!

Alright. So this is another shop request. If anyone can, would you mind picking up this top for me? It's from Forever 21.

Here is the link to the tunic. I'd buy it myself only there are no Forever 21s in Puerto Rico and the website doesn't ship to PR. Suck.

Thanks to anyone who can help!

The Sweet Escape!

So I have returned from the metropolitan area, bearing shopping and pictures from the Gwen Stefani concert...

The concert was good, I was dancing most of the time (except when I got really tired and sleepy, but that's what happens when you're old and medicated). My only problem was that it was a bit too short. Oh well. The seats were great, Klo was having a cow at how close we were (and we were worried she might just run off and try to kidnap Gwen).

These are the two best pictures I took. Or at least, I feel like they are! Feel free to check the rest of the pictures (they are precious few) on Flickr. :)

Facebook.

So yeah, I caved in and joined the hordes of humanity that extensively used Facebook. I had an account, just so I could see a friend's pictures, but my boyfriend got it too and eventually, the egging on began. So yeah. I am now in my old school's network, with my old classmates, something I never thought I'd do.

However, I made a mistake. I put up the link to this blog on my profile. Why is this a mistake? Well, quite honestly, I'm not interested in having more people know about my situation, much less people I went to school with and used to make fun of me extensively. So I corrected that mistake and erased the link to this page. I doubt (and I hope) that anyone actually followed the link to this page, and if they did, uhm. Please stop visiting? Heh...

Last night was not a good night, I won't go into details. Suffice it to say that I feel numb and I don't really care about anything right now. Which kind of sucks because today is the Gwen Stefani concert, and I'm going with friends: the Boobies. I'm afraid I will suck the fun out of today with my attitude. I can't really talk about what happened without ruining anyone's day so...le screwed.

I hope the concert is good. After all, we paid good money for those seats. I hope we don't get lost trying to get to El Choliseo, but, that's probably going to happen. Adventures in Puerto Rico, yay? I will try to sneak in my camera. If not, oh well. I say oh well a lot, don't I?

Potter.

So we went to see the new Harry Potter movie and let me tell you, I didn't like it...I felt it was poorly executed in comparison to the other Potter films. No se. It was just slow and it didn't really have a rising, a climax, or a wrap-up...

Next week the final Potter novel is coming out. And guess who's going to get it? That's right, me. Damian pre-ordered it for me... :) I want to know what happens...I wonder how the thick the book is going to be, too...oh well, I guess all will be revealed this next weekend.

Your wardrobe staple?

So yes, I think it's pretty much decided that my wardrobe staple is a dress. After all, I have 80+ of those hanging in my closet. And I just bought two yesterday when I went with the novio to Ponce. So I'm wondering, and I don't know if I should actually expect a response but, what is everyone's wardrobe staples? Your go to outfit/clothes item/accessory that you go to always to feel comfy and good at the same time?

Fashion Blogs.

Since I really haven't been in the mood to post about anything, I've decided to compile a list of fashion blogs for those readers of mine that are into fashion.

The Sartorialist
Nitrolicious
Style Bubble
My So-Called Expat Life

Those are my four main reads. Here are two that are recommended reads.

I am fashion
Fashionologie

H & M Petition

Darling readers of my blog...

If any one of you lives near an H & M, I would appreciate it if you could get a little something for me! This jacket, to be exact. :)

It's 49.90, and I'm more than willing to pay for it with my credit card through PayPal.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging...

(Photo courtesy of Nitrolicious.com)

The new buy.

Sooo, usually I get myself a little present each semester, be it a trip or a nice article of jewelry or clothing, etc. You get my drift. Since I didn't get myself anything special last semester, I decided to get it now.

I purchased a Marc Jacobs Softy Weekender Tote off eBay and I'm very excited. I really like this bag. It's perfect as a carry on bag. I'm trying to see its potential as a weekender though. But it's doable.

Here are pictures of my new toy...


Oh yes, it's big.

100th post.

I wish it was much cheerier, but I'm not feeling great so...ever since last night I haven't wanted to leave my room. I leave it only for necessary things, like food and bathroom.

I had a good couple of days this past week. 4-5 days of actually feeling good and hopeful and affectionate, similar to how I was before this. Sadly, the good feeling started to fade when I went to the psychiatrist and psychologist appointments. Maybe it's because I hate going to them or maybe because my psychiatrist wants to switch my medication. Again.

I've considered seeking treatment in the form of medical hypnosis before, and I'm beginning to consider it again since medication isn't working and I don't think therapy is working either. I don't know what I'll do, honestly.

On the subject of beauty.

As mom was rifling through a pile of pictures, she plucked out an old photo of her and her sisters when they were young. As always, I told my mom she was the prettiest there (and I don't say that because she's my mother, I say that because I mean it). Her two sisters, my aunts, have gone on to have numerous plastic surgeries to look as different as possible from that picture. Why? They look even worse now, with their fake body parts.

I know I shouldn't judge, but it upsets me. Why spend thousands of dollars on fixing things that were already fine to begin with? I'm not going to lie, when I was growing up, I hated my nose. My grandmother used to pinch it to make it thinner and from then on, I have the notion that my nose is huge.

My cousin has also had plastic surgery but hers was necessary. She survived a near fatal car accident and she needed to have her nose fixed, as it was damaged in the accident. That sort of plastic surgery I can defend, even applaud. She fixed something that needed fixing, and not out of pure desire to look prettier.

I know I shouldn't be one to talk, since I don't consider myself pretty at all and I have a million and one hangups about my face and my body, but I accept myself the way that I am. I don't want to go under the knife to "fix" my face. I think I'm fine as is. My nose drives me nuts at times, but I would not have rhinoplasty to make it thinner: then it wouldn't be me. It would be another cookie cutter nose. My nose, my teeth, even my broken from birth ear lobe make me, me.

We should all just embrace ourselves, hangups and all. After all, these are the only bodies we've got. Why spend time fighting them with surgery when we should embrace them by treating them right? Why have a liposuction when you can exercise? All I'm saying is that we should accept ourselves. I accept my freaky nose, my tiny goofy teeth, my ear lobe, my flat chest. Hell, I even accept the fact that I look like a bald person at times, with all the hair that falls out (but I will at some point do something about it). I don't accept my poochy stomach, but I can do something about that. I'm just too lazy. And too accepting! :P


Embrace your natural beauty, dammit! (Photo courtesy of my man, Damian)

(And I just know that my boyfriend is going to use several of the things I've said here against me the next time I complain, "but I'm so ugly!" Oh well, the price I have to pay to rant.)

I need a job.

If my lips keep chapping like they do, I might just have to get a job for all the Chapstick and Vaseline I'll have to buy to stop them from chapping.

Or I could upgrade to this:
La Mer Lip Balm 8D Yeah, I know. I'm being horrible. But hey, I've heard it's actually very good. Only thing is that it's 45 dollars. And I don't have a disposable income to justify such a purchase.

Oh well. I miss having a job and having my disposable income, but I'm holding on having a job until the start of the semester. I need to veg out, but I also want the money so I can be able to veg out properly.

I've been working this week on sowing a dress I've had for a year. It needed a lining, so I'm finally providing it. It's a DKNY dress I bought in New York last year for 9.99 8D At Neiman Marcus Sale store. :)

Anyway, just a random fluff post so everyone knows that I'm alive.

Taking care of business.

So this morning I woke up bright and early, like I always do. But instead of vegging around, I decided to be productive. I e-mailed my thesis director with an update of what I have and what I'm up to, and I explicitly asked him to annoy me into writing my proposal. I need to get this done because otherwise, I'll never finish thesis and graduate!

I also wrote to my boss?/ex-boss? at Pastiche to know what the crack is up with Pastiche and about the poem she said she was going to publish in another magazine. We'll see how that goes.

And basically, I returned every other e-mail that I owed to people. :)

Today, mom and I will have lunch with the women on her side of the family. This promises to be interesting, if not a bit hectic. The females haven't gotten together in a long time, and this time, my cousin will bring her newborn with her, Esteban.

Other than that, I was sick during the weekend. And Damian and I got a new toy. And it is called Hitsuji. :) Yay for sheep!

No luck swimming.

So today I was supposed to go to the beach and start my swimming workout. And I did go. And I did get into the water and swim. But it last it all of fifteen minutes before I got too tired and wimped out and emo.

Fifteen minutes. I'm so sad. Oh well.

After my failed attempt at being beachy, I convinced mom to go to Ponce. But there was no luck there either. We spent about an hour there and I didn't get anything. I did get a shirt in Yauco though.

I'm prepping for cooking dinner tomorrow for Damian. So far, I'll be making Italian chicken parcels with fetuccini for dinner and chocolate cheesecake for dessert. I've never made either before, so lets hope it turns out okay.

Like I said before, I'm supposed to be keeping a diary of how I've been feeling, but I haven't done it. Frankly, I don't even want to think about psychologists and psychiatrists, I'm just so bleh about it. So over it. I zoned out and started drowsing at my last psychologist appointment. I guess I just want to relax for a while, relax my brain.

Random English Major Moment.

The River-Merchant's Wife

While my hair was still cut straight across my forehead
I played about the front gate, pulling flowers.
You came by on bamboo stilts, playing horse,
You walked about my seat, playing with blue plums.
And we went on living in the village of Chokan:
Two small people, without dislike or suspicion.
At fourteen I married My Lord you.
I never laughed, being bashful.
Lowering my head, I looked at the wall.
Called to, a thousand times, I never looked back.

At fifteen I stopped scowling,
I desired my dust to be mingled with yours
Forever and forever and forever.
Why should I climb the look out?

At sixteen you departed,
You went into far Ku-to-en, by the river of swirling eddies,
And you have been gone five months.
The monkeys make sorrowful noise overhead.

You dragged your feet when you went out.
By the gate now, the moss is grown, the different mosses,
Too deep to clear them away!
The leaves fall early this autumn, in wind.
The paired butterflies are already yellow with August
Over the grass in the West garden;
They hurt me. I grow older.
If you are coming down through the narrows of the river Kiang,
Please let me know beforehand,
And I will come out to meet you
As far as Cho-fu-Sa.

This is one of my favorite poems. Just felt like sharing it with you guys.

Not itchy. Emo.

So yesterday I went to the orthopedist (since I've been having problems with my back and my knee and occasionally my hips) and I found out that I have osteoarthritis in my right knee. Fantastic. Now, before you say that I have a disease that belongs to a person of a certain age, osteoarthritis is very common in athletes, and since I used to work out obsessively, I qualify in that area.

Nonetheless, the orthopedist was surprised and a little bit concerned that someone so young and "so thin" (I'm quoting the orthopedist, I wouldn't say I'm so thin) has osteoarthritis. So, another set of rules to follow has been put in place for me. I have to work out, but I have to avoid running since that will do more damage to the knee. So recommended exercises are walking, speed walking, biking, and swimming. He really emphasized swimming so I might try that...

I also have to take more pills. Glucosamine, for the knee. This brings my daily pill intake to four pills: Celexa, Risperdal, vitamins, and now, glucosamine. Wee. I am Medicated Woman. You will not hear me roar.

For my scoliosis, the doctor told me to do abs. It won't get worse, since I've stopped growing, but I have to strengthen my stomach and back muscles. So now I have to do abs. My boyfriend is thrilled about it, since it means I'm forced to work out and he's been trying to get me to work out for ages. I'm not thrilled about working out. I'm lazy. And if you're asking where the workout junkie in me went, I don't know either.

In other news, my psychiatrist wants me to keep a diary. '.' I'm not thrilled about it. I'm just so sick of going to the psychiatrist and the psychologist and I made sure to tell her. She told me that those feelings were completely normal, but that I should keep being responsible and continue attending my appointments. Sigh.

The whole keeping a diary thing reminds me, for some reason, to Charlotte's vulvodinia experience in Sex and the City. But instead of itchy today, not itchy today, mine's going to be emo today...not emo today. Fun.

Besides these medical updates, I've been shopping lately. Not any extraordinary purchases, but some cheap cute ones. Yesterday I got a pair of salmon pink pumps for six dollars! I'm very proud. They're so cute. The shape of the shoe, I love it so much that I vowed to one day, when I have money, have it made into a real leather shoe. (Because, people, it's a Payless shoe. Don't be hatin'.)

I'll be sure to post up pictures of my recent purchases soon. Other than that, I think I've covered the past couple of days. Unless y'all want to know that I've been using my iPod. Which I have. It just keeps surprising me with yummy indie rock goodness.

Valedictorian of depression.

What is there to say. The psychiatrist wants to up my meds. I am very displeased. I'm so upset, I'm furious. I'm sick and tired of taking pills, the pills are not working.

But I'm not getting better! Yay!

According to the psychiatrist, I'm slipping back into a more serious depression. I'm so sick of this. Of not being able to sleep, of waking up everyday thinking things that aren't true, of having absolutely no desire to do anything. I'm sick of going to the psychiatrist and to the psychologist.

I have zero idea on how I will survive this upcoming year. I have no desire whatsoever to even start my thesis, and I have a feeling that I'll be in class giving the professor blank stares (since I could care less about the class). I see no future ahead of me, at all.

Dear readers, I do not mean to psych you out through my babble, but this is how I feel. I'm not suicidal, but there is no will to live. This just sucks.

I don't know what else to say. I'd been thinking of posting cheerier, more upbeat bloggage, of my talking about shopping or whatever but that's just not where I am right now. And a lot of people think that I'm doing so well, but I just hide it. Because, honestly, I don't need you to know that I wake up at 5am everyday and start crying. Well, I don't cry anymore, it's like I just gave up.

So that's it for now.

Gap Overdose.

So today the Gramps and I drove up to San Juan to see the New York cousin who was stopping in Puerto Rico for a day whilst on a cruise. Gramps, being old and slightly neurotic, wanted to leave at 5 am. So I had to wake up at the unholy hour of 4 something am in order to be ready to part at 5.

Other than that, the day was fine. I had fun with the New York cousin and her husband, Capitán Boricua (and I'd like to add that he's actually Armenian American. Viva la culture blending.) The only problem was the driving. But I believe that was compesated with all the shopping that I did!

I hit up Plaza Las Americas and Prime Outlets in Barceloneta. And, oddly enough, the only place I actually bought something was Gap. And at Godiva. Yum.

I scored four dresses. Ignore my tired face. My head has been cut off from most of the pictures to lessen blog reader trauma.

I also scored espadrilles. Bought the same pair in black and white. Hey, they were only 9.99!


Aviators were also found. Squee!

Clothes for the boy were acquired.
And my cousin bought me this cute little bee key fob at Coach. Which is ironic since I'm allergic to all bug bites. Which means I'm allergic to bees.


Pardon my goofiness in the pictures, but I'd just gotten back from a long day's trip and I was hyper off yummy Mexican food.

And yes. This brings my dress count to 82. I have no shame.

The stuff in my closet.

Dear World,

I was searching today in my closet for the dress I will wear to my dear Boobie Snoopy's wedding when I decided to count just exactly how many dresses I own. Please, dear Reader, notice that I say dresses, and only dresses, because I honestly don't know what all my other stuff amounts to. So yes. How many dresses do I have?

78.

Yes, you read right. 78. Seventy-eight. Setenta y ocho.

Dear God.

I think Damian is going to pass out when he reads that sum. That, and totally not allow me to buy anymore dresses.

I honestly didn't expect to have this many dresses. This includes casual dresses, work dresses, going out dresses, and formal dresses. I guess I should be proud?

My other obsession is black shoes. I think I have around 20 pairs of black heels in varying styles. I'm addicted to a good heel.

Oh well. Adventures in my closet will continue...

Weekends can be boring.

I should be working on my final course development project, but I'd rather do something else since everytime I even think about that project my mouth turns into a snarl and I start speaking gibberish about setting the school on fire.

Seriously, people, we need to hang out on the weekends. I've seen Mythbusters marathons way too many times.

Last day of work.

So today is my last day of work at the publishing center. I'm definitely sad because

*post interrupted because boyfriend has kidnapped me from work 8D*

Anyway, as I was saying. I'm sad about not working here anymore because I learned a lot about the publishing business and because, hey. It's a job. I don't like having to go around looking for work or thinking about how I'm going to get by without a paycheck (I don't like asking my parents for money). Oh well. This job was supposed to last until I graduated but due to fund cuts, my contract won't be renewed. Poo.

School is being nastier than a hillbillie with a shotgun. I have so many things to hand in and such little time to get it done. Ew. At least I have some new music to listen to in the form of Simian Mobile Disco and Cansei de ser sexy. And, of course, Bjork's new album.

And so I shall return to my last day of work...that shall pass by with me doing schoolwork. Blah.

More "good" news.

Yesterday I found out that I only work until the 4th of May. And that I probably won't be coming back next semester. No, I wasn't fired, but they just took away the funds for student assistants so I am, once again, back on the job market.

Brokeness, I do not welcome thee!

Also, my darling Jones New York umbrella broke and so did my aviator sunglasses. Woo.

I might be depressed, but I still like shoes.

We, and by we I mean what's left of my normal self and the self that has succumbed to The Crazy, interrupt our regularly scheduled depression to bring you forth these. I've been looking for stacked mary janes for a while, but I want them in patent. Is there anywhere I could find them in patent? Otherwise, I'd just have to order these...

Which I shouldn't because, yeah. I have enough. But I really want patent mary janes. Like these Christian Louboutins. However, I do not have 710 dollars to pay for them. Well, I have the money, I'm just not in the position to chuck 710 dollars for shoes right now. Oh well.

Back to your regularly scheduled emoness.

Update on my riveting existence.

There are only 7 days left of class and work for me, spaced out between these next three weeks. You'd expect me to be over joyed and jumping off of things, but I'm not. The depression has gotten worse, I just hope it's related to pressure from all the school work I have to do. I've been in a state of catatonia lately, I really don't care about anything. I'm avoiding everyone and I'm barely getting any sleep... I keep waking at hideously early times. I'm switching psychologists because the one that was attending me was a family friend and that isn't recommended when you're getting therapy.

I was supposed to take summer school but the class wasn't signed, but I think it's better anyway. I have little to no desire to continue studying so hopefully, this summer will do me good.

Honestly, I'm tired of fighting and seeing little results. Yeah, I'm a quitter. I just keep hoping that it'll go away. I know this post will frustrate everyone who reads it, but I feel like I can't do anything anymore. I've pondered putting this blog on hiatus, but...at least this gives me something to do.

I've, at least, finished my essay leftover from last semester and started on my final projects. The multimodal presentation is about...70% done and my 6010 course project is about 55% done. I would like to get all As, since I'm one of those people that isn't happy unless she has a 4.00, but, I really don't know. I don't know if the quality of my work has suffered with this depression. Most probably.

Riveting.

So I finally finished transcribing the main text of the chapter I was assigned to make a digital copy of. Now all that's missing are 74 footnotes. Woo! Fear my excitement, oh yes, fear it.

Since I'm sick and tired of transcribing and I needed a break otherwise my eyes would rot and ooze out from my sockets, I decided to start reading Journey in the Dark, the Pulitzer Prize winning novel from Martin Flavin! (/sarcasm) It's one of the class texts and I have an essay due tomorrow and I'm ahead at work so. I figured. I should start reading it and save some of the footnote transcribing for later since there's nothing else to do for the week. Except ship out a CD but that's all. No biggie.

Vivi, just wanted to tell you that the dress I wanted, it's not on the website anymore, and that means it should be in the stores soon. :/

Not friends with misery.

You know, I was honest to goodness feeling better, looking forward to my life after depression, and then, what do you know, more shit. There are moments when I honestly can't take it anymore, so I break down in hysterics because I feel that I'm not myself and that depression is robbing me of everything I was.

Everybody tells me this is cyclical and that there will be ups and downs, but, honestly, I can't take it. It's driving me even more insane. I just keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and everything will be how it was, but I doubt that. But you get tired of trying. You get tired of busting your ass and seeing such little and fleeting results.

Bought into the legging trend.

So I finally gave in and bought some leggings to match my Lux Eiffel Tower tunic from Urban Outfitters. Thank God they were on sale because I feel so cheap using leggings since they're such a trend. However, it seems I can pull off the look quite well so I don't feel that bad. I'm wearing them tomorrow with the tunic for a presentation during my Materials & Testing class. Wee.

In other news, there isn't really much to tell. Allergies, going up and down, worrying about school and other things. Story of my days. I can't wait till this is over and I'm back to being myself.

On a more fashion related note, I saw this darling Marc by Marc Jacobs tote and I can't help but want it. It's 458 dollars though. Ouch. Still, the color is gorgeous, the hardware is just right, and I've been told that the leather is so soft and buttery...agh, why don't I have some sort of high paying editorial job, hm?

Crunch time.

Yesterday I realized that there are less than four weeks of class and I have three projects to write and a multimodal presentation to create. Oh, and that pesky essay leftover from last semester to hand in so I can get a grade instead of an incomplete.

Right now I'm trying to write that leftover essay from last semester and I only have three pages out of ten. Crap. I honestly have no interesting in writing the damn paper and I have a feeling I may want to rehash my old papers and puke them onto this final paper. Hmm. Tempting.

I honestly want to finish the damn essay today, but to not kill myself, I'm aiming for two more pages, so I can make it to at least half the required pages. I also started one of the course development projects but to be perfectly sincere, I have no idea what to do. I'm not planning on being a teacher so I have no idea what assessment and frameworks and objectives are, but I have to brush up quick because I need them for the project. Oh well. The professor did say it was just like making a really long syllabus.

Today's buys and Eiffel obsession.

Warning: Graphic, and not in the XXX sense.

Mom kidnapped me today and I decided to make the best of it. The old credit card got a workout by buying these (the shoes, not the ducks):


I got some Enzo Angiolini flats and Tyler by Richard Tyler wedges. I'm very excited about the wedges, since I'd been after them for quite a while. And they were half off! Yay! Mom bought me the duckies since they are pirate duckies and I'm obsessed with pirates.

Here are the Enzo shoes in action. I needed a replacement for all those black pointy toed flats I had to throw out because they were either broken or simply wasted from overuse.






And here are the Tyler shoes. I'd seen them before and I wanted them so much. But I was not about to pay 60 bucks for them. However, bumbling around the Yauco Marshalls and I found these puppies. On sale. Wee.




I also got my package from Urban Outfitters! My Eiffel Tower necklace and shirt:


And here is a picture of all the Eiffel tower necklaces I have (three with this new one):


Lastly, here is a picture of me in the shirt. Is more of a painter's smock, but I do love it so. I might have to buy into the dreaded legging trend because wearing jeans with the tunic makes me look stocky.


Oh, and before I forget, rubber duckies! Pirate rubber duckies. Wee!

I hate university libraries.

This week's task at work: find out the e-mail of all the top ten university libraries on the East Coast. By state.

>.<

Of course I started by New York, but this is ridiculous. I'm sick of surfing university websites...

I've only done three states so far. Dear Sweet God. And I don't want to think of how many I have to go.

Depression blog number I lost count.

I haven't talked much about my depression lately, not because it's gone, but because I've gotten to the point of it in which I don't want to talk to anyone about it and I just want to retreat into my shell. Alienation is the name of the game and I'm quite good at boxing myself in.

I'm not going to lie, I'm much better than I was before. I'm no longer suicidal, I'm eating ( a little too much, methinks), I'm somewhat interested in my schoolwork. But I still have the lingering feeling that I'm going to die so there's no use making plans or wondering about tomorrow. I don't get my hopes up, if you want to put it that way.

I know everybody wants me to hurry up and get better and I thank you for your concerns, but sometimes it just feels that it isn't going to get any better and I'm stuck in this field of numbness. Occasionally I'm sort of like I was before, but it's rare and fleeting. I'm usually stuck in the paranoia of "how long will it last before I have another breakdown?"

I'm scared that with the upcoming stress of having to do my final course projects my improvement might go into retrograde, mainly because I have poor emotional management skills. I'm either overly emotional or super numb. I'm not emotionally intelligent. I guess I talk frivolously about other things on my blog in an attempt to get better or to put up a smokescreen so people think that I am better.

I never figured that this would be so public a crusade. I never thought I would blog about depression. And I never thought I would use the word I so much in a post, ugh, so egocentric. It just feels like I'm all alone and in the worst company possible: myself. And I know I have friends and family and a boyfriend, but, honestly, I'm emotionally alienated to the point where it's just myself. And that self isn't too much fun.

That said, I think this depression post is done. Just wanted to keep everyone updated on the status of the pill-popping blogger.

Libertine for Target.

Just in case you Stateside people haven't heard, the next designer for Go International at Target is Libertine. (Well, after Patrick Robinson.) I'm very excited about this since I feel it's more well-rounded than Proenza Schouler's collection. The Look shots are very tiny though...

This dress is my absolute favorite from the collection and I'll definitely ask somebody to pick it up for me, if it's not too much of a bother. The collection is set to be in stores on July 15th, though I've been hearing that it might be pushed back to August.

If you're interested in more pics, go here, to Target's website.

I still breathe.

Juego con las palomas.
Originally uploaded by chromachord.

Here is one of my favorite pictures from my weekend trip to San Juan. I like how the kid is just horribly enjoying himself harassing the pigeons. :D

I had a good time in San Juan, of course, that could be because I was accompanied by my man. :D But now it's back to ye olde grind of school and work. This week has been particularly nasty since I got a bit of a reprimand about unfinished tasks. Tasks I couldn't finish because things happened that did not permit me to finish, but, oh well. They're done now.

Spring Break is coming up and I have to work (since jornal has to work until wednesday). I shall not complain: I'm getting paid well enough for this job. Eso si, I really don't like answering machines.

So anyway. Go visit my Flickr account. :D

Cyber window shopping.

In a return to my fashion posting days, I offer you my latest obsessions. Courtesy of eBay.

Left, Yves Saint Laurent Vincennes bag. Right, Emilio Pucci shoes. Center, Fendi boots.

I really shouldn't be looking at these things. Oh well. Such happens when you're bored at work.

Not old, not even vintage!

Happy birthday to my love, that skinny guy I like to hang out with. A lot. :)

I now officially hang out with Jack Sparrow.

In a blow to Tovi's blog-reading, I will once again talk about fashion. Yes, brace yourself man!

Anyway. I finally got the boots I've been waiting around for close to three months. And they are quite nice, may I say. They are from Hot Topic, which makes me cringe a little, but they were 15 dollars from 60, so who am I to complain. They're slouchy brown leather with a buckle in the back, so mind you, I feel quite piratey. I might go "yarr" more than usual in these.

I also went ahead and put in an order to Urban Outfitters, despite my many bitchings about their overcharging to Puerto Rico. Let's face it, I need tights, and there's no way that I'm going to find those here. I ordered two pairs, just in case Ki-chan can't find any for me in VA. Plus, I got a leather clutch so I can switch around between the new one and the one I always haul around.

Back to regularly scheduled conversations about my work life, today we had a talk about "how I feel at the work place." Apparently, depression is causing me to grimace more than usual because the assistant editor was scared that I didn't like my job. Which isn't true! I do enjoy this job, it allows me to gain experience in the world of book and magazine publishing and editing, which is one of my possible work routes. (If Marc Jacobs doesn't give me a job, ha.) However, I do admit that most of the time, my brain wanders off and wallows in my depression and that obviously will be reflected in my face. Which was misinterpreted by my co-worker. Oh well.

We're supposed to take an exam to tonight's class, but, you know, I haven't taken an exam in, oh, two years. Nor have I given one, since I am not a teacher. I could try searching for one in the internet, but I'm just not motivated enough. Wee.

I got another book yesterday: Latin Looks: Images of Latinas and Latinos in the U.S. Media. I was only able to leaf through it, but what I managed to read was pretty interesting. It's for my thesis (or the thesis I have planned so far), so we'll see how I manage to squeeze it in. I have an idea of how to, but I'll see if it pans out.

And tonight there's Mythbusters. WITH DOG MYTHS. This just may be the best Mythbusters episodes ever after the Pirate Special. Yep!

Croatia.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but one of my uncles is from Croatia. Formerly known as Yugoslavia. In between calling me "pretty devil," "pretty gypsy" and/or "gypsy devil," (and he calls my cousin and I this since we are dark haired and dark eyed) he often tells me that I must go to Croatia. I've been interested since the get go (my only concern being the language since I speak zero Croatian. And, between us, the language doesn't look easy!), but now, as time passes and I see more and more beautiful pictures of this country, my desire to go grows more. Maybe the next time I go to Europe, I'll sneak in a stop there, so I can stay at my uncle's condo. Look at that picture on the left and tell me Croatia isn't, at the very least, quite charming!

(Edit: Oh sweet God, I just checked prices for airfare and they're quite high, so I guess Croatia will have to wait until I have a more substantial income!)

As far as my cold, I am feeling better. Must've been the rigorous regimen of water, orange juice, garlic pills, vitamins, rest and Ricola!

Bleargh.

Am sick. I might have a fever, but right now, I'm just boogery and with a throat ache. Not fun.

People who buy super cheap Marc Jacobs items and then sell them on eBay at over 200% of the actual purchase price piss me off.

I guess that's it for now. I'm going to lie in bed now, wishing that my man was here taking care of me. I abhor being sick. Bleh.

Working.

La Mer.
Originally uploaded by chromachord.

I'm currently sitting here at work, with nothing to do besides surf around the internet. I'm having a bad moment right now and I decided to blog instead of focus on the flurry of thoughts going through my head.

I think I've created a monster. Damian is watching waaaaay too much Ali G and I suggested that he dress up as Ali G in Halloween and this might happen. Oh. Dear.

Anyway, here is a pic taken over the weekend when D and I went to Rincón. And to notify that there are new pictures on my Flickr account. Everybody, go to my Flickr account!

Behind piles of paper.

These past three days, I've made more phone calls than I've possibly ever made in my life. Since I'm the one in charge of the office for today and next week, I've been given the task of contacting every bookstore in the country. Woo! However, the office has staged a rebellion. The printers are being wonky, we don't know where the white paper is so we're using gray, and the storage's AC unit arrived but I don't know when it'll be installed.

Oh well.

Also, I'm horribly alone today since the secretary is sick and the other editors are either having surgery performed on them or doing a presentation. (The other assistant editor is pregnant and undergoing a procedure to ensure that she doesn't lose the baby.) There's something jinxed with this office since somebody always either has allergies or is sick. Or is being attacked by the storage room.

I've been having a nasty headache on and off for the past four days. It might be the office lights, the glare of the monitor, or just plain overwork. Bleh.

And I 'm so wonked I almost forgot to say: Happy Birthday Klo! Wee!

Get the food away from me.

I pigged out and just ate too much. Should've passed up dessert, but that damn chocolate Godiva
cheesecake was tempting me. Urgh.

On better news, got to toy around with a 1979 Fiat Spider today. Fiat Spiders are love. I want one. Only thing is that I have to learn how to drive standard first. Hm.

No pain, no gain?

I jogged about a mile close to an hour ago and it feels as if somebody ripped off my lower legs, beat them against a concrete fence, then reattached them to me. Ow. At least I know I burned off the calories of the cream cheese, veggie, and turkey sandwich I ate. And if I didn't, don't tell me. :D

I spent most of my weekend vegging out, watching Star Wars on TV. Yes, highly productive was I. Also, I found this beauty at the Coach website. I definitely want it. When I showed it to D, the first thing he said was "uh-oh" because he knows the thing I have for skulls and skeletons and all things remotely spooky or piratey. However, I won't be getting it anytime soon. I'll try to score it when I swing by San Juan next month. Hopefully, they'll have it.

Working out = sucks. Urgh pain.

I need to go take a shower so I can run some errands. I'd honestly rather go to sleep (because there's nothing yummier than going to sleep on a full stomach). I should start carrying my camera around with me again...I haven't really taken many pictures lately, which makes me sad.

I didn't see the Oscars last night, except a momentary glimpse when I walked into the living room after being in the kitchen and seeing Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks presenting the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Honestly, I don't really care about the Oscars anymore. I watched Discovery Channel. >.> I think that says a lot about my high levels of nerdery.

I already sent in my Optika essay, let's hope everything goes okay and the essay doesn't need further editing. Now I should get started on that essay that is currently my incomplete grade from last semester. I really don't want to work on it, but I need the grade to graduate sooo...I should hop to it. Bleh.

Yum!

Random favorite food combination:

Chocolate with sunflower kernels. Yumtastic!

Class, how I adore thee.

Things I did in class when I should've been paying attention:

1) Work on a new layout.
2) Sporadically watch El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) on my friend's computer.
3) Wonder when class would be over.
4) Edit digital version of my Optika paper.
5) Curse the server because it was down, therefore I couldn't surf internet in class.
6) Text D asking if he wanted to see El Laberinto del Fauno.
7) Shiver.
8) Wonder if it was my Marc Jacobs top or the Escher top that arrived in the mail.
9) Wonder if the book that arrived was The Male Body or The Latin American Fashion Reader.
10) Organize files on computer.

Anyway. The shirt that arrived was the Escher top and the book was The Latin American Fashion Reader. I'm very excited about it. And before Tovi goes bitching and whining about: omG, more FASHION, the book is actually very interesting. It deals with the influence of Latin American fashion on the world and vice-versa, history and fashion's involvement in the forming of a nation's history, and such other things. I look forward to reading it in whatever spare time I may have.

I finished editing my Optika paper in last night's class and did the bibliography today at work. Hopefully, I'll send it today before I leave work or before class.

I must say, I'm addicted to the Deanimator flash game. It's a geek game! You shoot zombies and it's based on Re-Animator, the H.P. Lovecraft story. Total geek score. D sent me the link and I now play it all the time. I'm up to level ten. Wee. Addiction. He also gave me a Shaun of the Dead game, which is cool as well, but I'm much more entranced by Deanimator. Heh.

Recent not-so-fun events include one of my dogs pooping all over the house, including my Mac. Tsuki was not pleased. Well, a powerbook cannot communicate but I'm sure that it would say that it was displeased. Thankfully, nothing serious happened. Apparently the dog is feeling jealous and territorial of the other dog. Fun. Dogs these days.

That's all for now. 45 more minutes to go of work and then I'm out so I can forage for food and then go to class. Funtastic.

Huzzah!

I just finished editing my very first manuscript for the publications office and I couldn't be more proud. Or tired of reading drama. :D I have enough of my own.

Just a quick update, I'll blog later on about my new theory book and my Marc Jacobs top that just arrived. Now I have to work on a pedagogy essay on textbook evaluation. Wee. Not.

A more substantial post.

Hello everyone. Here on the left is last Thursday's outfit, one that I'm particularly proud of. I'm wearing a Metro for Walmart knit cape (I'm cheap), a Free People top, my skinny Levis, and my Marc Jacobs boots. I felt particularly stylish that day, and one girl even went so far as to say that my look was very Soho. If it was New York or London Soho, I do not know, but it is a compliment nonetheless!

And here I watch as Tovi passes out from the excess of fashion talk.

Anyway, what have I been up to lately other than stuffing things in my closet? Not much. I have to commence work on the final editing of my Optika presentation since it will be published in the Optika book! I'm very excited about that. I will be a published writer/author/nerd whatever you want to call it! It's not a massive editing though, just adding some bits here and there and fixing up the ending. I can't include images since I can't get the copyright and such, but still, I believe the essay is interesting enough to hold its own without added visual spice. Specially the deflowering part. Yep.

In other news, I'm still working on the manuscript back at the office. I hope to finish it this week since I already said I would and they've given me that as a deadline. Who would've thought that professors made so many mistakes when writing. Sheesh. But other than that, it's fine. I really like this job: it's amazing what goes on in the book creating process. I work in publishing now, and we see the book from raw material to published text. I'm currently the assistant editor (yes, again!) and my current occupation includes editing manuscripts, working with the stock, and picking up the phone. Wee. I'm also supposed to attend book launches, but due to my schedule, that's become pretty much next to impossible.

As to those who are wondering about my health, I'm much better, but I'm not alright yet. I'm somewhat wary of discussing it online now, since I know that even though there are lots of well-wishers, I also acknowledge that there are people who hate my guts and wish me harm. Oh well. I can't do anything but wish these people well and hope they are okay.

The medications are working, but it's mostly my job to make sure I'm in proper working shape. There are still bad times, but they've become more manageable, to my relief. Of course, I still have a ways to go, but it feels like I'm getting there.

In other news, my cousin had her first child, a tiny little lad called Esteban Andrés. Yes, I know that name sounds like that of a galán de telenovelas (for you English speakers, that would be the equivalent of a Hollywood hearthrob). Usually, I'm pretty retarded around children (as D so lovingly likes to point out), but this time I just couldn't help but stare in wonder at the newborn. My cousin seems changed (and I'm not talking just about maternity and the pounds), she genuinely seems to have become a better person. I'm glad. But I'm still scared of touching the child! (I'm too clumsy, I might hurt him!)

I think that's all, for now. I'm probably forgetting something important, like commenting on how cheesily fantabulous the new Ghost Rider movie is. Heh! And how cute my new owl necklace is. And how nice D looks in his new Pumas. Oh well, that will be for later, I must go now and pretend to care about my pedagogy class.

Oh, and is it just me, but is the newly slimmed down Marc Jacobs kinda scary...?

More Marc!

My new puppies came in the mail today! On Valentine's! Two fantastic things for the price of one! (My man and my boots!) Anyhoo, here are some pictures of the new Marc Jacobs boots I scored on eBay for $99! The original price was 550+ :)

I love the Robin's Egg interior!

A Day of Love.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope you've spent it with those you love, be they your friends, your lovers, or your family. Even your dog! Pets get love too!

Boredom reigns.

So, I'm here at my last half hour of work, trying not to go crazy. I managed to edit 3 plays from the manuscript I'm doing, but now my brain is mush. Hopefully only until class. I need it for then. Not even the Baby Ruth I just ate gave me a sugar rush. Sad.

Optika went very well! Thanks to everyone who wished me luck and who attended. My D and Boobie Sharon showed up to be my support! Unfortunately, the other Boobies didn't make it due to scheduling conflicts. Anyway, I almost froze to death in the amphitheater. And I was also quite nervous, but come presentation time, I was able to assume a calmer exterior. Word on the street is that my paper was much enjoyed and so was the movie, although many people ended up being confused. (I talked about Shoujo Kakumei Utena.) All in all, conferencing was an interesting experience and I hope to do it again some time. Now I have to prepare my paper to hand it in to the Important People. I so have to do the bibliography. >.>

The afterparty was quite fun. Free food and good mojitos (of which I only took a sip...). And it felt quite odd to have people come up to me and compliment me or ask about my paper. '.'

And, before I forget, Boobies who took pictures, you'd better share! *pokes*

In other news, I succumbed to the temptation of Marc Jacobs once again. I got a pair of below the knee, kitten heel boots. Ay ay ay. I'll post pictures once I get the new fashion indulgence. My other boots still haven't arrived, and I'm kind of stressed. I know they're transfer and they're reserved only for moi, but still...

Also, I managed to do all my reading for my Nuyorican Poetry class. :O I feel so responsible.

Part of a nerdgeek's wishlist.

As you all now, I have a Bachelors in English and am currently pursuing my Masters in English as well. So, it's safe to say, that I'm one of those people that actually enjoys talking about school stuff in her off time. Many a day off has been spent talking about how great T.S. Eliot was, how I'll probably end up in hell sharing a couple of drinks with Ernest Hemingway, and how Shakespeare can be a pain in the ass yet so entertaining at the same time. (And I mention those authors because a) these situations have happened b) they're fairly well-known so readers won't go "huh" and c) if I mentioned Jane Austen, people would start whining about chick lit).

So, in honor of my literary nerdery, I would like to show you some articles that I pine for that are in some way related to Willy Shakespeare, that man who put so many quotes into our current vocabulary and made the play that would facilitate us with Ten Things I Hate About You, that movie in which Heath Ledger sings and Julia Stiles began her career as a Shakespeare girl.

One of the first things I most want is this: a letter seal set! For some reason, ever since I was little and saw all those medieval movies showing the characters sealing their letters with wax, I've had a craving to do that.


That's it for now...I have to get back at scanning images for my Optika presentation. Wee.