Sunday, September 09, 2007

One More Time?

So yeah, I've been out of the loop for a while, haven't I?

This will probably be my last post for a long time. Or ever. Why? I just haven't the time. Or the energy. Or the willpower. To be honest, my life has been consumed by work, personal problems, and depression.

A lot of people might think I'm just jumping on the "No Blogging" bandwagon, as some close internet friends (uhm, does that make sense?) such as Tovi and Zeynep have stopped blogging, but I've honestly felt this way for a long time. Blogging is just not fun anymore. I don't like thinking about my problems, let alone writing them out. Plus, due to the readership of this blog, I simply cannot talk about certain situations. I have become more guarded, more restrained than ever. And isn't the purpose of a blog to talk about whatever I want to talk about?

So yes. I still have depression. And I don't know for how long I will have depression. I'm no longer under therapy because, to be honest, therapy hasn't worked at all. Woopee. Yeah, everyone says it's because I'm not cooperating, but, well, the truth is that it wasn't working. At least I'm getting off the meds, which is one less worry and bill to take care of.

Right now, personally, things are really horrifyingly, disgustingly difficult. And I can't talk about it! Yay! Let's just say that I wish for better days.

Work, stinks. I like it sometimes, but most of the time I'm just driven witless with frustration at how irresponsible these kids can be.

As for school...well. I hate school. And I had a serious conversation with my mother about dropping it. Yes, I know. I should finish it because I'm SO CLOSE! to finish this goddamned masters degree, but you know what? I can't take it anymore. I can barely breathe. I am going to try to finish this semester, mainly because I have a job, and it's only one class and thesis, but, to be honest, I'm not going to pressure myself much anymore. This isn't worth it. It's not worth it.

I guess a lot of you will think that I'm just giving up. And, you know what? Maybe I am. But right now, I have to stop caring about what everyone thinks and for once in my life, try to figure out a way to get out of this hole. I don't know how long it will take. I will probably lose many things along the way. I've already lost friends, relationships, trust...myself. I don't know if I'll ever regain them. Or if I want that.

Thanks to everyone that's commented, e-mailed, spoken to me, and tried to help me through my depression saga. It has meant a lot, more than you'll ever know. And I hope that if you ever need my support and help, I will be able to return the favor in kind. But I hope you never have to go through something like this...

I will continue to read everybody's blogs and comment on them. And if you want to talk to me, I'm just an e-mail or instant message away. I'm sorry for any disappointment, frustration, or trauma I've caused. Maybe I'll come back some day, when I've learned to live again and I actually have hope.

Till then, best of luck to all.